That Time I Died

I was completely broken, feeling completely abandoned, and wanted to completely die. Truly.

I was right in the midst of a major panic attack after being triggered, and all I could do was think to get into the shower - one of my “trauma tools”. 

So I got into the shower, sat down, tears bursting out of my eyes, and cried out to my Father. I felt totally hopeless that day. I was truly frightened because I had never felt this low; this desperate. I had never, since giving myself to Jesus, felt abandoned by God. But today, I did. 

He was gone. 

Nowhere to be seen, heard, or felt. 

Have you ever felt that God has left you? It’s truly frightening. 

I don’t remember my exact prayer, but often when I pray it’s a conversation between God and me, and this was one of those times.

As the water ran over me, I explained tearfully how broken I am, how sorry I am for not understanding what He’s trying to show me, and how I need Him. I begged Him between hyperventilations of breath to take the suffering away, to help me, to take my life. 

I asked Him where He was, and I yelled out “Father, why have you abandoned me?!” 

And then I heard Him. “This is how Jesus suffered on the cross.” 

Me: What? 

G: “Elí՛, Elí, lemá sabachtháni? My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?”

Me: Jesus said that on the cross before He committed His Spirit to God. 

G: Yes. Now, commit your spirit to Me, sweet one.

Oh, how I cried out to Him - but now these tears were tears of hope. “God, thank You! Please help me to die of myself and commit fully to You, Lord!”

Knowing that the suffering I was enduring, the feeling of abandonment, and the commitment of my spirit and my life to God, made me more like Jesus; That suffering actually brought me joy because I understood a smidge more what Jesus felt. And because I was brought to that space, that knowing, I know now that I’m able to overcome anything because Jesus did. 

 

“... we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” - Romans 5:3 - 5

Christ’s spirit lifted me out of my shame, my abandonment, and my hopelessness, and brought me to a place of repentance and freedom. I went from fearing the next 5 minutes of my life, to rejoicing in my suffering, and the death of life as I knew it. 

That’s what it means to die of ourselves, friend. 

Galatians 5:24 says “And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Just as Jesus was crucified on the cross, He died to Himself, His flesh - He committed His entire spirit to God the Father, and we are to do the same.   

This comes through and from suffering. This comes from great turmoil. And in the midst of the turmoil, we are to turn to God, not away from Him. 

If you’re suffering today, beautiful Child of God, please turn to Him. Commit your spirit to Him. Turn away from yourself, your flesh, and your desires, and move toward the cross, to live under the blood of Christ forever.